Tag Archives: relationship

Haaayyy Girrrrrl

Some people may say that my standards are high but I just know what I like.

I don’t need a Schwarzenegger, but I like to be the girl in the relationship. So naturally, you would think, I could find all the macho men I could ever want in a gym. Not the case, as I am consistently only approached by the guys who gave up on the grocery store and decided to use their gym memberships to test pick-up lines. Why me? Not sure. Can anyone answer this. No, really.

Picking up in a gym is actually hard to do despite how often people practise. For the most part guys get their adrenaline pumping and get all hot to trot but then girls don’t want to be approached when they are looking their “worst”. That is subjective, and also off track. It is surprising how often I get to watch attempted date invites go awry and so I am going to clear up the basics here.

Lucky for you, I am egotistical enough to write a blog entry about the men that have hit on me in order to share a small slice of wisdom.

1. “Haaayy girrrrrl, you got ankle weights here?”
Wow, nothing makes me more weak in the knees than a man in ankle weights. Oh wait, no… everything else does.
Tip: Maybe you need ankle weights and that is fine but don’t present it as the most macho piece of equipment. Ask a girl where something is to start a conversation, that is fine. Only ask where something heavy is if you can lift it.
Tip #2: Gyms don’t have ankle weights. Your masculinity is overwhelming.

2. “You must be new here.”
No, you must be new here because I have worked here for a year and a half and never seen you before.
Tip: Try honesty. Don’t say you work out 5 to 6 days a week when your body says “what is this place?!”

3. “Can I show you some exercises on the cables?”
Actually, I am a trainer.
Tip: If you want to get rid of a know-it-all, tell them you have a posterior Bankart lesion and torn labrum so please take that into account. Then watch them awkwardly back away. Better yet, make up a body part.

4. “You have great shoulders.”
If asymmetry, scars, and misshaped bones are your thing then here I am!! Just kidding, I’m not a freak but my shoulders are literally the only place on my body where I have a visible issue.
Tip: Compliments are great but select your body part carefully. (Booty is off limits, trust me.)

5. “Hello, angel.” *chest bump*
Select if you are going to be the dreamy boy band guy or the bro before you approach a girl. This is no joke I had someone say this to me and gave me a “hug” that was an aggressive run-into like I was between him and his football.
Tip: Have a game plan. Try to stay relaxed while executed said plan. Do not chest bump.

benchpresscouple

After being approached/ seeing others get approached/ contemplating how to approach, this is my best advice:

1. Never interrupt a set.
This will mean immediate dismissal from any consideration of any relationship of any sort.

2. Be normal.
This might seem like an obvious tip, but people can get intimidated in the gym, hormones get excited, and sometimes weird things result.

3. Do your regular workout.
Lifting heavy is only impressive if you can actually lift it.

4. Eye contact.
You will fail if you ask someone to take out their headphones before they have made eye contact with you. Big fail.

5. Keep coming back.
If you see a person often then build rapport slowly and casually. Don’t do the panicked won’t-see-you-again-I-need-you-number thing.

The gym is not a dating service and the mirrors are not to help you scout. However, if you need to go find your dream lifter, take these tips into account.

barbellkiss

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Weights to Mates

Observe; the muscular man attracting a mate in his natural habitat.

He sees the weights he wants and quickly advances towards them. He maintains eye contact to make clear his desires yet acts casual as best as he can by walking with a swagger. Once he has claimed his irons he can take as much time as possible to check his phone, watch his reflection, and speak softly to himself in his best tough guy voice. Timing must be precise so that women may be safely distracted by his masculinity, as determined by the size of the weight he has chosen. A male specimen who is not as strong as the others must make up for his lacking bicep circumference by extra bold clothing color selections or obscenely loud music with his headphones. The female may notice one of these secondary characteristics.

Now it is time to lift these weights; form and function are irrelevant. The sound of the effort is most significant, as the male grunts with each repetition. Grunts may be replaced by yells, words, or curses as long as they can be heard throughout the gym. The more attention he can attract the better as his admirers look on. Other males stare with looks of disdain as he beats his chest by letting the weights fall as loudly as possible. Now he must strut the gym floor to show his dominance by the swagger in his walk. If a suitable female has not approached him, he must continue. If a potential mate has been met with eye contact, he can retreat to a quieter exercise to let another male make his presence known. This will repeat until a mate is found or until the male concedes protein shakes for beers and search for a female that doesn’t squat.

For the record, a lot of my friends are big guys who lift heavy, grunt loud, swear a lot, and slam the weights. I wrote this after a session with one of my clients where there were many men being extra loud and we laughed as they tried to outdo each other. The gym really is a place to attract attention to your physical strength and I see guys hitting on girls all the time this way (the other way around too of course)! National Geographic should be looking into this, really.

'Pain And Gain' - Film Set

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